“Can you make me a viral?”

Dear god, please no.

The question fills me with pure, stomach churning fear. The measurement of your success or cataclysmic failure is there for all to see – plastered across research presentations, YouTube ‘hits’, downloads – all manor of rigid, unspinable data, far to readily available to humiliate you in the next digital strategy update.

It’s not total creative insecurity; it’s that I fundamentally disagree with the idea of targeting audiences with the sole purpose of having them do your marketing for you.  It’s out of touch, arrogant and doomed to failure.

And anyway, ‘viral’ is an adjective, not a noun.

I don’t suppose Neil Cicierga who wrote and directed the Harry Potter Puppet Pals was given a brief, 3 weeks, and a couple of thousand quid to make his You Tube ‘viral’ – it doesn’t work like that.

He is a fan boy, who over 5 years (yes, he started at the age of 17) developed a comedy concept from basic flash animation into an 86 million ‘hits’, puppet musical sensation.   Try costing that up, it will make your eyes bleed.

It’s also virtually impossible to ‘fake’ a viral.  You can ask a fat kid to do a light saber show – but if it isn’t real no one is gonna spread it.  You just can’t fake these kind of football mishaps.

Despite the perfect storm of marketing strategy to the contrary, the social marketing ‘audience’ is more discerning than ever.   Just ask Henry Jenkins.   From a recent interview in iMediaConnection.com he says:  ‘In general, I have declared war on the concept of “viral media.” As a model, it leads media producers to think in the wrong ways about the value of their content and its relationship to the audience.’

‘Taken at face value, it offers us a smallpox-soaked blanket approach to media distribution: Unknowingly infect your consumer and let them spread the germs to their friends and neighbors. In fact, in a world with many media choices, consumers are actively selecting what content is meaningful to them and circulating it consciously to people they think may be interested.’

Yes Uncle Henry, you can’t give a girl a video virus like you can give her herpes.

Despite this, companies such as The Viral Factory have made big business out of building a highly coordinated social media campaign.  But this isn’t because they made a good ‘viral’ – the videos they make are brilliant, funny and have great creative concepts at their heart. It’s lovingly developed content, with time and budget spent – plus they know where to stick it so it’s found.

So no, I can’t make you a viral, but I can make something fucking ace with a great idea plus enough love or money or time.   You know, just like it’s always been.

Why Football is Fundamentally a Woman’s Sport

Football is the most beautiful, sexy, exciting sport on earth.   To play and to watch.  It is.  And the world cup is the Paris Fashion week of the football calendar. Only it only comes once every 4 years. That, my dear girlfriends, is delayed gratification right there.

I played right throughout university. Sure, it was 3rd grade women’s division in a small town in N.S.W, and any goals I scored were accidental, and usually off my bum or boobs – but I loved every minute of it. Never have I been so physically fit -  during that time my thighs were a thing of wonder.

And here’s why – Players cover 8-12km during a match, consisting of 24% walking, 36% jogging, 20% coursing, 11% sprinting, 7% moving backwards and 2% moving whilst in possession of the ball (1).

That is an exceptional work out by any standard. Fat burning, cardio intense, and great for toning your legs and butt.

But football is also the perfect spectator sport for women.  It’s full of drama, tears, pain, love, passion. Yes, the players can seem histrionic, manipulative and sulky at times – but I could use those adjectives to describe myself and most of my girlfriends.   You recognize the game play, ladies.

If rugby is the sport of ugly blokes (broken noses & battered ears) cricket the sport of slightly flabby public school boys, formula 1 the sport of short men…..  then, surely Football is the sport of lovers?  All that passion and tanned skin?  A 90 minute game is like a summer affair on the Italian Riviera.

But why don’t more ladies love the game?  The reason is almost certainly the fans.  Big, bald, bellied men downing pints and scratching their bums.   Taking up all the room at the bar.   Crash tackling each other in the stands after every goal – it can be more than a little intimidating.

I also blame WAGS who seem to have defined the only role for women in football.   The very definition of ridiculous.

But please – don’t blame something so beautiful for having so many hideous stalkers.  It’s not footballs’ fault.

Football is beautiful to watch – check out Zinedine Zidane’s goal in the Champions League grand final in 2002.  Football can make you burst with national pride – check Michael Owens’s world cup goal against Argentina (but ignore the rest of his career).  Football can make you cry (lucky for Gazza, I can’t find a link.)

So get into the world cup ladies!  Follow the fun on Twitter.   Check out the upcoming matches here.  Learn as much as you can on ITV and the BBC‘s world cup sites.  It’s going to be a cracking few weeks.

Oh, and football is for women because its full of fit, sweaty, rich blokes.   22 on the field at once!  In case you needed another reason.